My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
