I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
