Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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