at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Randomize
