did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
