well I can't set my house on fire every night
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
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