Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
