lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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