a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
