I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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