Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
