can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
