My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
