I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We're too hungover to prance.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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