I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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