When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
