i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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