I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
