I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I deserve this hangover.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
