It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The air was thick with penises
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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