worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
