You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
