You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
