I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
