Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
