I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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