tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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