im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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