I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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