I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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