24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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