No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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