I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
