Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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