Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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