I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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