my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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