I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
