my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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