His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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