There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
