just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
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I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
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You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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