I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
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This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
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And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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