We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
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is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
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Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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