I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize