I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
