Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
