Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
After tacos, we're chasing women.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
