im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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