I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
