I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
