I accidentally had phone sex last night
Who did Billy Mays play for?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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