Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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