The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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