I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
