I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
