someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
